Now THIS is SCARY!

Gingerbread Goose

From the product description on Amazon.com:

Take a gander at this wintertime pal! Our charming goose sports a cheery felt and cotton costume...collectors of gingerbread and geese will find her irresistible. Perch her in the entryway to greet visitors or add a little holiday cheer to the kitchen. Made of resin. (10-1/4"H)

No offense, but if I walked into someone's house and this was there to greet me, I'd not only be running out the door really fast, but I'd be seriously questioning our friendship.

A Holiday Wish for Everyone

This used to air every year on our oldies station, until it got taken over by JACK-FM.

Listening to it has been a holiday tradition for me. If you click on the "Real Audio" button, you can hear it as Harry Harrison recorded it for radio.The words on the page don't do it justice.

May You Always

Santacide

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Santacide, courtesy of CSI: North Pole - Apparently, Mrs. Claus got a bit tired of Santa visiting all the naughty girls on his list and decided to stick a bag on his head and put and end to it. David Caruso guest stars. 

And, for your holiday bathroom...

Holiday Tank/Tissue Covers - The Lakeside Collection

Covers feature pockets, built right into them, on the top that are just the right size for a box of tissue or other decorative items.

And exactly what "other decorative items" would one put there??? 

Speak No Evil

Click the picture to view full-sizeWhy don't Mary and Baby Jesus have mouths? Why is Joseph the only one with a fully-formed face?

Also, is it me, or does Baby Jesus look an awful lot like Davey from "Davey & Goliath"? 

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Because nothing says Christmas like a family of dolphins in Santa hats! 

CSI: Bethlehem

Click the picture to view full-sizeTonight's episode: "Joseph Got Run Over by a Reindeer"

Grissom and the CSI team investigate the apparent hit-and-run death of Joseph, head of Bethlehem's notorious "Holy Family", and father of Jesus, aka "The Newborn King".

At first glance, his death appears to have been the result of a random accident. However, the evidence just doesn't make sense. What was the white, powdery substance found all over the crime scene? What was Rudolph "The Red Nose" Reindeer, a long-time member of Santa's crime syndicate doing in Bethlehem, thousands of miles away from the North Pole? Were Balthasar, Gaspar and Melchior, aka "The Three Wise Men" really just following a star, or did they have other, more sinister motives? And what about Tony "The Little Drummer Boy" Esposito?

Tune in tonight for the crime that changed Christmas forever! 

You Have to Hear it to Believe it!

Tiny Tim's Christmas Album - definitely one of the worst Christmas albums I've ever heard!

Go ahead! Be brave and click on the link to hear samples. I dare ya! My personal favorite is "What a Friend We Have in Jesus".

If listening to this doesn't make you want to poke out your eardrums with sharp, pointed objects, nothing will! 

Not the World's Brightest Idea

The Snowman Family Campfire!

Frosty, while under the influence of certain controlled substances, decided that a family campfire would be a good idea.

Funeral services for the Snowman Family will be held tomorrow morning.

Visions of Sugarplums???

Click the picture to view full-sizeNo. Today, we have visions of grapes! And a rather nightmarish vision it is, too!

It looks like someone had one too many glasses of wine, and decided to recycle their Halloween decorations by adding some festive fairy wings and a bunch of dollar store grapes. Definitely not something I'd want hanging on my Christmas tree!

And check out that crab in the background. Have you ever heard of Christmas Crabs??? No??? Neither have I!
 

The Island of Misfit Toys

Click the picture to view full-size These look like the Christmas decorations the Halloween Town people made in Tim Burton's "Nightmare Before Christmas"!

Take a closer look at the snowman's face:

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Mr. Snowman needs to find himself a good orthodontist! Why on earth would anyone decorate their home with this crap? DUHHH! I forgot! No one does - that's why it's on sale at Home Goods! 

Kitty Christmas Outfits Gone Bad

Click the picture to view full-sizeThis is what happens when pet lovers decorate while smoking a batch of bad catnip - a crown-wearing cat with hands in a Christmas dress.

It looks like something straight out of a bad acid trip. What it has to do with Christmas (or any other holiday for that matter) is beyond me! 

One of My Favorites from Last Christmas

Click the picture to view full-sizeFor the benefit of those who missed out on this one from Big Lots last year, here it is again!

Joseph is wearing way too much blush. (Someone really needs to talk to him about that!) Plus, you can stick a candle inside his butt to make him light up. Notice the placement of the stars on both Mary and Joseph. This is just so wrong, on so many levels. 

A Cannibal Christmas

Click the picture to view full-sizeFrom the Hannibal Lecter ornament collection.

Santa's Christmas dinner will consist of Gingerbread Man liver, served with some fava beans and a nice chianti. Festive after-dinner mints will be also be provided. 

Naughty Santa

Click the picture to view full-sizeI wonder if Mrs. Claus knows that Santa's been spending his nights prancing around in sequins with fallen reindeer from the wrong side of the sleigh? Does she know that Santa's sleigh does double-duty as a pimp mobile in the off-season? Is it my twisted imagination, or is the reindeer floozy on the right checking out Santa's sequin-wrapped holiday package?

Who knew Santa had a dark side which included drag queen tendencies and an abnormal attraction to animals? Are the elves safe from Santa's deviant desires, or are they also pawns in Santa's polar porn empire? Enquiring mind wants to know. 

Beware of Reindeers Bearing Gifts

Click the picture to view full-sizeQuite frankly, I haven't a clue what these are! I'm guessing that they're reindeer, but for all I know, they could be anorexic cows!

Aside from the sprig of holly here and there, the red bow ties on the boy "rein-cow things", and what appear to be gifts, I'm not even sure what they have to do with the holidays. I'm not sure what scares me more - that someone out there thought these were a good idea to make and sell, or that there's someone out there who will actually buy these fugly things for their home!

There's a reason stuff like this ends up in stores like Home Goods - no one wants it! 

Baby Jesus in a Snowglobe

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Why does this make me think of "The Boy in the Plastic Bubble"?

Maybe it's the expression on Baby Jesus' face:

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U-G-L-Y You Ain't Got No Alibi!

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It's Santa's cheerleading squad!

Love the hair bows! Can they still do splits without any legs? Frankly, I don't think the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders have anything to worry about.

Like the previous entries, this is one of the many holiday decor items available at Home Goods that they don't show on their TV commercials. I wonder why?

Holy Holiday Nutshells, Batman!

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It's the Pope!

According to the inscription on the base, this is a Pope Benedict nutcracker*. I don't know about you, but I'd feel a bit uneasy using the Pope to crack my nuts. But, I suppose it could come in handy for those who need to vent their frustrations with the Catholic Church.

*(Popemobile sold separately.)

Desperate Housewives: The North Pole Edition

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Looks like the North Pole isn't the only pole these reindeer wives are familiar with! All they're missing are clear platform heels. I wonder what kind of reindeer games they play while Santa and the boys are out delivering toys...

Now That Thanksgiving's Over

It's time for CHRISTMAS!!! What better way to count down the number of shopping days left until Christmas than with a series of bizarre, tasteless and/or tacky holiday items?

At 29 shopping days left until Christmas, we have "Jesus, Mary and Joseph Do Las Vegas"

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Also known as "The Holy Family Meets Liberace". LOVE the sequins!